“Hurry, Ruben! They’re calling LONG DISTANCE!”
True(ish) story . . .
Some time in the distant future the Moscovitz Brothers were having an argument about the world’s longest Seder table.
“I’m TELLING you! The longest Seder table ever was at the Standard Club in Chicago in 1977,” quipped Leonard Moscovitz. “Uncle Moishe gave out silver dollars to all the kids, NOT just to Cousin David for finding the afikomen. There were at least 75 people at that Seder table!”
“Incorrect!” retorted his kid brother, Sal. “CLEARLY it was that table in Calabasas at that Seder in 1973. It was hosted by that two-bit Hollywood Producer. Alan . . . Alan Whatsisname?. Anyway, it was enormous! Like 100 people at LEAST. Not to mention the kids’ table in the backyard under the palm trees!”
Just then young cousin Mica (a reputable data scientist on the West Coast) sauntered in, wiping a speck of vegan gefilte fish from his well-oiled beard.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the boy genius himself!” chortled Uncle Lenny. “Vas macht a yid?”
“Actually, the world’s longest Seder table would have HAD to have been our 2020 ZOOM Passover!” noted the young cousin. “By my rough calculation the triangulated distance from Glencoe to 187th street to Tokyo would be 7,156 nautical miles!”
“Young people,” solemnly exhaled Sal Moscovitz. “Feh.”
Why is this Zoom different from all other Zooms?
Passover used to be the holiday that it was OK not to come back home for in the day. Jewish guilt was only mildly distributed by my family (“You know, Aj, Seder IS on a weekend this year. I hear the flights from Philadelphia to SFO are a real steal!!”).
Somehow, my parents never kvetched too much if I dodged their tier two guilt and stayed put for Passover. I guess it was because wherever you were, there was always a Seder to go to nearby. Hence, my guest appearances at the venerable Wachs Family Seder in Philly’s Main Line (1989-1991) and my Uncle Bern’s slivovitz-laced affairs in Wrigleyville (1997-1999). There was even that time in 2020 when I stumbled into the Chabad of Tokyo. It was really great, until I got the hard sell to grow a beard and join the Club after the fourth cup of wine.
This year, we are all wandering in the Digital Desert (so to speak). Yes, sure, the standard primings of our Spring festival are afoot. Zaydies, bubbehs, yentas, schleppers and very beloved second cousins all around the world are furiously chopping nuts, raisins and apples. Matzo meal is getting all balled up. I’m lobbying my dear wife to make her insanely delicious flourless chocolate cake. And dozens and dozens (and dozens) of eggs are arriving along the Spring winds.
But Pesach this year comes with a catch to say the least. Luckily, our Tribe has been adroit at pivoting around and through hardship for five millenia. Viruses and vain rulers have attempted to do away with us. Generally, it makes us stronger, funnier . . . or both in spades.
Zoom Seders are very much a thing in 2020, and such a connected gathering commands a different kind of pre-work. The Four Questions are getting divvied id up (“Question #1 in the 2020 Zoom Seder Draft goes to . . . San Francisco!!!”). The sing-a-long list is being debated on WhatsApp (“I’m TELLING you! We need to start off strong! ‘Go Down Moses’ . . . the Louie Armstrong version!). Secure passwords are being distributed (to avoid neo-Nazi Zoombombers, who, so sadly, are also a thing). And 101 digital Haggadah links are being reviewed.
On Erev Passover this Wednesday night (well, Thursday morning over coffee here in Tokyo) my little tribe of aunts, uncles, first cousins, second cousins and doting matriarchs will convene for our first virtual Seder table. We are a highly lovable, curiously diverse, somewhat motley crew. Some of us are modern Orthodox others West Coast Progressive. Some are frum. Others shellfish-but-never-pork. And then there are those of us that enjoy bacon wrapped shrimp just to spite our mishpocha.
I know what you’re thinking; multiple generations x multiple time zones x everyone-has-two-opinions = Zoom Seder Fiasco. But I’m betting that we’ll have a great time together . . . even if we’re not around the same table.
Stay tuned . . . given that ESPN has little content to air, I’m confident that the Zoom Seder Recap will have a captive audience.
The Tokyo Yenta 